When my OB/GYN brought up the question of starting birth control after Savannah was born, I almost laughed. Seriously, when you’ve tried to get pregnant for 5 years, and have only been successful with treatments, the idea of stopping pregnancy seemed extreme. Considering the odds, pregnancy happening spontaneously just didn’t seem probable. After talking it over with my husband, we agreed that we would love to have another baby, no matter how close it would be to Savannah.

Last week I had four migraines! I was getting enough sleep, I wasn’t stressed, I just couldn’t figure out why I was having so many migraines. The last time I had that many migraines was…….when I was pregnant with Savannah! What? Could it be? I calculated my LMP, I was 2 days late. Hmmmm! I then pulled out a pregnancy test, and immediately both lines appeared! Did I see it correctly? Maybe it was the test, although they are pretty accurate. Unfortunately, within moments I started spotting. Joy and disappointment all in the same moment. What a roller coaster life can be sometimes! I felt as if someone had pulled the emergency stop button on my roller coaster, leaving me hanging in mid-air. I told Kyle that night, and then proceeded to take 3 more pregnancy tests, ALL positive. I knew I needed to be guarded. We have been down this path before, and 2 of the 3 times ended in losing a baby. I couldn’t help it though. I was pregnant. I was giddy! We have never gotten pregnant on our own. I have been praying that my body would be healed. Savannah is a miracle, but I know that there are more miracles to come. Still feeling perplexed, the next day I went to the store and bought the expensive pregnancy test. What did it say? “Pregnant”. In all, I took 5 pregnancy tests! Looking back it seems excessive, but I was in such a state of shock that I needed the proof! I was still bleeding though, so my giddy phase lasted only a short while.

I called the doctor and went in for bloodwork the next day. They called and my hcg (pregnancy hormone) level was 892! Wow! That’s a really good number. Maybe there was a chance. Some women bleed during pregnancy and go on to have a healthy baby. Maybe that was going to be my story. I started progesterone supplementation immediately. Why? Because I’ve always suspected this to be part of my problem, and with every treatment I have ever done, I took progesterone. On Friday, they called with my progesterone level, it was 2.9. It should be between 8 and 10. Sigh! This doesn’t look good, but there is still hope. I kept praying for the bleeding to stop, but every morning it just got worse and worse. I knew what this meant. I prayed, cried, and asked God to save this baby, but afterwards all I felt was peace to let this baby go. If I believe that everything I have is God’s, then that includes my body. If He in His infinite wisdom, wants to use my body to bring life into eternity without ever having to live life on this fallen earth, then so be it.

Today the bloodwork confirmed what I already knew. This pregnancy didn’t make it. It’s been a bit sad, but ultimately I’m excited. I got pregnant! There is hope that it will happen again. With my previous miscarriages, my identity of becoming a mom was wrapped up in the emotions of it all. Savannah made me a mom, and nothing will take that away. However, now I know what I am contending for-not just another baby, but for life, for joy, for a sibling for my daughter.