I feel inadequate. There are times in life that I feel on top of the world, and then there are times like right now when I feel inadequate, criticized, and just not enough. I feel like I try really hard to do the things I’m supposed to do. Simple things become so complicated. For instance, buying groceries is not just a trip to the store. You have to plan your meals, make your list, and don’t forget to clip coupons, oh and be sure to be environmentally conscious and bring your reusable bags, all the while toting around 2 small kids that may or may not want to be there. It’s exhausting just thinking about it! This “things to do” list is never ending, so I won’t even attempt to type one out.

Sometimes it just feels like there isn’t enough of me to go around, or maybe there just isn’t enough hours in a day, or maybe I just don’t have the energy to be superwoman. Either way, something falls short. In all of this, I recognize that I’m selfish with my time. I know I could be more efficient and more organized, and maybe it is times like this that motivate me to be just that–more than I already am. I want to be the mom and wife that takes care of everything and does it well. I know that my lack of organization annoys my husband and to some degree it baffles me as well. I’m typically an organized person, but lately it just hasn’t been high on the priority list.

I will admit it, I want to be superwoman. You know who I am talking about. The woman that has it all together, the one who manages her household, raises her kids, takes care of herself, and doesn’t even seem to bat an eye doing it. I try to be that woman, but in the end, no such woman exists. There may be women that look like they are superwoman, but they too fall short from such a title. So I’m left trying to be me. The ‘me’ that knows there is always room for improvement, but is trying desperately to find peace and contentment with who God made me to be. It is such a process of finding out just who that ‘me’ is though. I used to think I knew myself pretty well, but I really knew the ‘me’ that I wanted to be, not the original ‘me’. I knew the ‘me’ that I wanted others to see. Now in my thirties, I’m becoming more and more content discovering the ‘me’ that God made….inadequacies and all.

P.S. Note to self—Don’t forget to work out, read your bible, and FLOSS. Kristy you have to take care of yourself!

A week ago today, January 9th, a new guy came into my life. His name is Caleb, and it was love at first sight. I’ve spent the last week learning his every feature, his every sound, and I fall more in love with him everyday. He has truly captured my heart. All my concerns of my love for my daughter having to be divided with my son are gone, and I can now say from experience that love only multiplies.

The c-section went remarkably well. Everything was calm and controlled and peaceful. I had gone with a plan to ask that he stay with me as long as possible so that I could nurse him as soon as possible. I thought this was something I was going to have to fight for, but when we arrived to pre-op, the nurses informed us that they had changed things. The baby stays in the operating room with daddy and then goes with the mom to recovery. The only downside is that family would not get to see him in the nursery soon after. I was so relieved that they recognized that it was more important for the mom and dad to spend time with their baby, especially those first few moments. As you already know what a miracle this entire pregnancy has been, even the surgery had its sign of miracle. As the doctor made her way to bring Caleb into this world, she said that “there was no internal scarring”. Later she told me that it looked as if I had never had a c-section. This is yet another sign of God’s complete healing over my body.

The first week has been wonderful. Our few days in the hospital were somewhat relaxing. It was nice to have him with us in the room, especially when we had friends and family come to visit. When we had visitors with Savannah, all we could do was show them pictures. This time they were able to meet and hold him! Although I did take the advice of several and have him stay in the nursery at night. I thought I would be one of those moms who kept him with me as much as possible. Friday night, pure exhaustion hit me and I knew that someone who was being paid to stay awake would be more attentive to him then either of us could.

Savannah first got to meet her brother on his ‘birth’ day, and was somewhat ambivalent towards him. With two sets of grandparents, new toys, and a new environment to explore, the bundle of blankets that mommy was holding wasn’t too exciting to her.

The next day she came and paid a little more attention to him this time. She actually gave him a kiss and laid her head on him to “give him a hug”. It wasn’t until we tried to get a family photo and one of us was holding Caleb that she decided this new situation wasn’t such a good idea. Eventually we were able to get a decent family pic.

We were able to walk out of the hospital on Monday WITH our baby. That first drive with a new baby is always so surreal, but it was so nice to finally be home and have my babies together.

Our first couple of nights home were kind of rough.  I couldn’t even begin to count the number of times that I was up trying to console him.  Then we figured out that he needed a much warmer environment than we had given him, so the third night was a great improvement.  Last night, I put him down at 11:00, he woke up at 3:30 to eat, and then slept until 7:30–WOW!  If only that would happen every night, but we all know that won’t be the case.

Today he went to his first doctor’s appointment and he is already back to his birth weight of 7 pounds 15 ounces, after only 7 days.  The doctor said he was perfect!  I’m glad she agrees with us.